it's a GOOD looking Friday...

Randi just said that.

Funny, men were looking at me alot yesterday, and I wondered "what is up with that?"
I could see them stopping conversations and turning their heads. (Some were saying hi.) But geez I am roughly 50 years old. I kept hearing Kirk saying "for what PURpose?"

And don't even get me started on what happened in the park girlfriend.

I sometimes look ok, I sometimes look like hell. On my best days I like to just think I exude something pleasant.

Anyhow...in the final analysis...I just decided it was just the Spring Air
and as Air america's randi said...a goodlooking day.

Bruce

I was the last one to talk to him before he died.
He was unconscious, his head was pointed up. I'd like to believe that on some level he was aware and heard.

I stroked his cheek and his forehead.
I told him I loved him.
And I told him to
"sleep well"
"Sleep deep"
and I kissed him goodbye.

Someone told me that he must have died happy.
I guess I'd like to believe that on some level that is true too

Happy birthday..I miss you
(you got a brownie for me?)

I used to dance around the house all the time

I really did.

So, I have been depressed and stressed lately. Was having a draggy day.
But tonight when trying to tune in airamerica I accidentally went to the FM side and got the KTU Studio 54 party night show or something.
I wanted something to listen to while making dinner. Anyhow I call out, to no one in particular..."I think maybe I'll just listen to this crap instead the demise of everything for awhile."

I am gyrating and shaking my hips to shiek's "Good Times" getting down with my badself as I cut up potatoes into a pot.

Without realizing it my daughter had walked into the room and watched me for a moment
"oh my god mom!"
"Hey I have to make some fun for myself" I say, and she heads back to the computer

And I realize, if I am dancing...it can't be all that bad
(and I think somewhere, she felt that too)

At the cemetery...

where my grandparents are buried actually.

We sat in the car. He kept pushing and pressuring me and making huge demands.
In spite of all I had expressed, and exposed about my emotional state

And I just found myself detaching and looking around and thinking...
I guess we are in the perfect setting for this

Lay Deeee

Al doing Jerry....does it get any better than that?

Full Moon Night

Full Worm Moon to be exact but


Further...

Some thoughts on my father.
It's his birthday today.
He called to thank me while I was waiting online at pathmark for the book I sent, on the parallel sayings of Marx & Lennon (groucho and john of course)
I had gotten something else but in my mind this was what I really wanted for him, so yesterday I just went to amazon and spent whatever it took to get it to him today.
He loved it, I was so glad. He mentioned some good talks we have had, including marx and lennon.

My father is quite a character. One of the most intelligent men I have ever met. He grew up without his own father, lost him when he was 5.
But when it came to us, he was very involved with the world, very much an activist, and placed us in world events.
I went to many marches and things and remember feeling like it mattered, like my presence even as a kid really mattered. Because of that, I truly experienced the 60's, the very palpable feeling of communion and hope that existed and for that I am grateful.

I remember when I was in 5th grade, he took me to DC to the march that was part of the Poor People's campaign. It was one of the last things Martin Luther King was instrumental in planning before he was murdered. Coretta Scott King among others spoke.

I remember Resurrection City..the kind of shanty town built on the spot. My father wanted me to pose for a pic in front of it. I remember thinking it was a frivolous thing to do in such a serious setting. I was taking pictures of the scene myself because I wanted to document it on it's own, but felt a little weird, like I was intruding. Anyhow, I obliged my dad and still have the photos. I also still have the buttons.
I remember getting up at 5 am to catch the bus out of Manhattan. When we arrived in DC the bus went through alot of the poor neighborhoods and people were smiling, waving and welcoming us,so happpy to see us...It was so beautiful.
I remember arriving home after midnight but still having to go to school the next day. I was sent in with an absent note. "Please excuse Annie's absence yesterday. She attended the Poor People's March". She looked from me to the note and back again.
"Is this for real?" she asked.
I remember telling her an emphatic yes, and then her asking in a tone suggesting she was calling my bluff..."well, would you like to tell the whole class about it? "YESSS" I answered, like I couldn't believe my luck. Not only did I get to go, but I was gonna get to TALK about it to everyone now too.
And I remember...I did.

I was really kinda on my own planet... (always, and yay! full moon night)


He is a little more fragile now .. Or, fra-GILL-lee as he'd be the first to point out groucho would say it.
I have had to face some personal fragility lately which is not easy. Like I have been such a fool. How could I have allowed certain things to happen and allow others not to?


But hey, you know what they say...
hindsight is 14billion/14billion

"it's Friday ya bastards!...."

Dayam

Sometimes you just hit a wall so hard, there's no denying it
No alternative but to just stop in your tracks, step back, and
RESPECT it.




(And it just ain't the sam(e) when seder tries to do the "bounce your boobies" thing)

The Deli Man

Just got back from the deli, one I don't go to too often.
Always the same guy, whatever time of day or night, but very friendly,and pleasant.

"How are you today?" he asks.
I tell him I am good and say
"And how are you doing?" (in a voice to indicate I mean it, it's not by rote)

"I am doing pretty good.
Life is BERY beautiful!"
"Isn't it a beautiful thing?" I say grinning widely
Yes, he repeats so bery beautiful.
I wish him well as I exit, and he says
"have a good night darling" (and it felt more friendly than flirty)

It so made my day. I just love those exchanges. Takes so little to just talk to someone. I just love people.

I have noticed that happen more. You know how it is people in the neighborhood, many you know by sight, but don't necessarily say all that much.
They are starting to say hi, ask how are you.
I take this a little of a sign they may realize my circumstances, and I accept it for what it is.
How sad to not be open to these things..cause they are so BERY BERY beauiful.

Yes

Al is back! my heart sings...
(a Hey Judd day even)

He's not your garden variety guy

The Waitress

Weird vibe in an otherwise mellow place.
Maybe some dissent between the staff, I dont know.

She came to the table a few times and flirted outrageously with him. It was not unpleasant, nor at all unwelcome but just so over the top, it begged the question;
Could she really be so mesmerized by this funny little fellow?
OR
Was she just like this with everyone, jollying around for a good tip, perhaps
He I'm sure wanted it to be the former.

We decided we needed to know.
and each in our own way thought we "oh so cooly" checked it out. We didn't
Her demeanor seemed very serious at another table, and she seemed to catch on, I was sure

She was more serious on her return,
but did smile at me.

middle ages is the zilliest people.

March Madness

She is 19 today I can hardly believe it.
We had a nice talk this morning...it wasn't even the subject matter. (well a little)
I made her some breakfast, and we just hung out, nice and easy.
I love her madly.

My grandfather's birthday was March 4th. I was just made aware today that tomorrow would have been his 100th birthday. I didn't realize that.

Had she been born 2 hours later, they would have had the same birthday.

But
It's good she wasn't! She was born in emergency surgery.
And, I like that she has her own day.
I remember just as they were putting me under, reeling, I could hear the doctors joking around with eachother and talking about what to eat. and I thought "what the hell is this? am I in a MASH episode or what?" It was actually funny to me, even in that state. My last thought before officially becoming a mother.

To this day she can't say the word strategy...but says it like bugs bunny sounding more like "strayd-ja-dee"

Her dad dropped off a gift this morning... I noticed his card, that we are giving her cards separately, and my mind screamed (no! this is wrong, we are supposed to be doing this together. we are supposed to be a family!)
Again.. odd little things pointing out the big

My father's birthday is in March, and so was Bruce's.


Life just breaks your heart...... dunnit?

Outhouse quote of the month

"Each calls himself your friend; you'd be a fool to believe it;
Nothing's more common than the name,
Nothing rarer than the thing."
- Jean De La Fontaine



I dig my Outhouses calendar