Saturday, January 07, 2012

Moving on...time takes time

I am finally feeling over my ex in a real way, and the hug said it all. OK, inspite of what people say I think 5 years after a 25 year marriage, and basically a 35 year relationship is a fair amount of time. It used to be the most safest comforting thing I could feel. The hug. Then afterwards...when he hugged me like at my dad's felt bittersweet. I still felt it but knew it was not mine anymore. And those times made me sad.
But something has finally changed. I helped my kids wrap christmas presents for him, and his wife. Even a year ago that would have caused me pain. But this time I noticed it was poignant and saw the irony...but wasn't effecting emotionally as it could have been. I just was wanting to help my kids get their act together for christmas...I even joked with my daughter about it in a real, not laughing tears of a clown way.
I am going through some difficult family times now....trying to help my brother out. So the ex comes in last night to take our kids out to dinner. So he came into the house, I wasn't expecting that...but he wanted news on what was going on. I kind of put him in his place. Things are happening but I am not into talking to him about it.
I was at the computer, I didn't even stand up right away when he walked in. When I did stand up he came over and hugged me...and of course it is always nice to feel a man's arms hugging...but I realized I felt neutral... there was no longer an effect good or bad...and I think that is a good thing
He started to tease my son about his hairdo...and I thought that was unkind and his (my ex's ) hair was sticking up and looking pretty stupid. And I said something like "look who's talking...that's some look you have going on yourself. Were you actually going for that?" I actually thought he looked like a poor version of foghorn leghorn. And he and I and the kids had a good laugh
But as I digress...the point here, is that the hug said everything....I am over him. It no longer has power with me. I accepted it but it no longer has it's power. I have had hugs with men since him...acquaintances, friends and lovers....and I like them more.
The hug says/said it all...