Think globally act locally

So, I've been trying to come to terms with all my feelings and fears and anxieties in the current situation. (I'm also trying to relearn how to navigate the blog world).  I once took a prescribed medication that sent me off the deep end that I can only describe as being on a bad acid trip. But now, I wake up and the world seems to be that way.
Donald Trump...really? Is that insanity and discourse really happening? It makes me ashamed of being American at times and ashamed of being white at some times...but I can't let him do that to me.
And this obstructionist run Congress...can't allow any decent discourse and arms gun violence to the extreme. It makes me feel physically ill.
I feel no control. So I look inward and realize I can only control how I am, my actions. I can say anything, but actions matter. So, it's the small things I can control. I can be kind in my everyday life. I consider myself to be a kind person...but I can do it more. It's really not hard to do. Simple situations where kindness and understanding make a difference. So I have been ramping that up more. Meeting my public.
It reminds me of a situation I was in years ago. I had had a procedure which left me in a bad state.  The next year I took a job handing out pamphlets for a health club in the city. A few of us were doing it. Turned out it was the summer of Sam and of the blackout in NYC. I went to work the next day.  There was a climate of fear and I fit the profile of his victims. I was in personal emotional turmoil but put myself out there and at the time I told myself I was meeting my public. She was a tough kid. I am proud of her and of coming to the same conclusions now.

Moving on...time takes time

I am finally feeling over my ex in a real way, and the hug said it all. OK, inspite of what people say I think 5 years after a 25 year marriage, and basically a 35 year relationship is a fair amount of time. It used to be the most safest comforting thing I could feel. The hug. Then afterwards...when he hugged me like at my dad's funeral...it felt bittersweet. I still felt it but knew it was not mine anymore. And those times made me sad.
But something has finally changed. I helped my kids wrap christmas presents for him, and his wife. Even a year ago that would have caused me pain. But this time I noticed it was poignant and saw the irony...but wasn't effecting emotionally as it could have been. I just was wanting to help my kids get their act together for christmas...I even joked with my daughter about it in a real, not laughing tears of a clown way.
I am going through some difficult family times now....trying to help my brother out. So the ex comes in last night to take our kids out to dinner. So he came into the house, I wasn't expecting that...but he wanted news on what was going on. I kind of put him in his place. Things are happening but I am not into talking to him about it.
I was at the computer, I didn't even stand up right away when he walked in. When I did stand up he came over and hugged me...and of course it is always nice to feel a man's arms hugging...but I realized I felt neutral... there was no longer an effect good or bad...and I think that is a good thing
He started to tease my son about his hairdo...and I thought that was unkind and his (my ex's ) hair was sticking up and looking pretty stupid. And I said something like "look who's talking...that's some look you have going on yourself. Were you actually going for that?" I actually thought he looked like a poor version of foghorn leghorn. And he and I and the kids had a good laugh
But as I digress...the point here, is that the hug said everything....I am over him. It no longer has power with me. I accepted it but it no longer has it's power. I have had hugs with men since him...acquaintances, friends and lovers....and I like them more.
The hug says/said it all...

therapy

I used to scribble lots of things down on paper and came across this recently so I thought I would share:

As I walked into the waiting room my therapist was just seeing out his previous appt, a boy of about 8 or 9 while stopping to confer with the mom for a moment.

"you can go right in" he indicated acknowledging my entrance.

"You mean you do grown ups too!" the boy burst out with great surprise and enthusiam.
I couldn' help but smile widely and laugh slightly
Yeah even grown-ups I say as I make my way into the inner sanctum.

He runs in behind me regarding me as a curiosity or a kindred spirit, I am not sure which. "Where is it, where IS it?" he says
What I ask what are you looking for?
At this point the therapist walks in and tells the boy it is time to go, the game has been packed up and they will play again next time.

He shuts the door behind the boy's exit and takes the seat opposite, facing me
So, who's a grown-up anyway? I ask

JANIS JOPLIN - PIECE OF MY HEART

My dad took me to see Janis Joplin perform at Queens College in the winter of 1969. It was a sunday night...I was actually getting ready for bed and looking forward to watching the Smother's Brothers show because they were gonna repeat a showing of the Beatles doing Hey Jude....You have to realize this is well before youtube,Vcrs etc. SO, these chances to see glimpses of the Beatles were few and far between, and for anyone who knows me, you know how big that is/was to me.
So he tells me we are gonna go see Janis. I had never heard of her yet. He wanted to go because he said she had been compared to Bessie Smith. I was 11. It was a winter night. He was teaching at the time. We braved the weather, sure that school would be snowed out the next day. We didn't worry about how we got home, just wanted the snow out.

Well DAYAM, the show was so great. She was just so amazing. And it was a fairly small venue. I became so honored that he wanted me to go with him. Talk about a performer who gives it all away..and leaves nothing behind. She was all that. I was blown away. She did many encores and my dad said he was gonna stay for every single one. I was very cool with that. It was an amazing night.

Unfortunately when we got outside the snow was minimal. We waited for the busses home and had to go to our respective schools the next day.

hello all

At this point in time I am just flexing the muscles again....I will be writing more soon

Yay!

I believe I am back!! More to follow

Rain

I was out walking and just got caught in a torrential thunderstorm downpour. I wanted to take a walk and check out a store on Liberty Avenue, so I decided to make that my destination.

It looked like it would rain, but I don't mind. I like walking in the rain. And indeed it starts raining and I am digging it. Suddenly though it becomes EXTREME...thunder lightning. I am still walking in it, feeling exhilarated even, but then it worsens more. Raindrops are bouncing at least a foot back into the air off the street and sidewalks, and the wind is picking up.

I end up ducking into a doorway with this little Puerto Rican woman. It is really barely any shelter. She is holding a jacket over her head and holding a blanket. She says " I have this blanket you can use if you want". So I take the blanket and hold it over the two of us as we huddle together.

It didn't feel at all uncomfortable and we got into conversation. First as expected saying how crazy the rain is. I told her I didn't mind it but this was a little too extreme to walk around in. Plus I needed windshield wipers for my glasses.
She starts unloading and telling me things. How she is supposed to be meeting her husband. Do laundry. How her son is home alone probably freaking...(and then he calls her)..And how she is preparing to move. (I continues to cover us as best I can)

She mentions she has asthma.
Well that doesn't help I say

She is stressed about the move and starts telling me all the things she needs to do. I ask her some questions. I ask where she is moving to, but I don't think I ever got an answer.
She says how she has to get out of the neighborhood, and has been here 20 years.

She is moving this Saturday and gives me a litany of all she needs to do. Go to DMV just met with the movers, packing and I don't know, alot more. She is stressed about money...and I tell her it's so hard..everyone is, but I think you got a good price with the movers even though it will still be hard. "And I just put bengay on my back from all the packing" she says (emphazing it with her long decorated fingernails)

She describes some details of the move...She has mixed feelings...but when she went into some details such as the finances ( the rent is far less) and the fact that her son's school will be on the same block, it all sounds good and I tell her so
You are doing great it sounds like a very good move

She returns to saying that she has to get out of the neighborhood and starts complaining about the makeup of the area. And the truth is Liberty Avenue has become very seedy whoever is doing it. So then she asks me what is my country.

"What is your country?
Pardon?

"What is your country
(I still don't understand)
Whaat?

I finally understand.... she is asking me where I am from.
I was born here

And I tell her that I live on Atlantic Avenue and am gonna walk back there.

I think she is a bit incredulous...She gives me a look as though I am this weird eccentric white woman. But I do believe it was a serendipitous meeting. She certainly needed someone to talk to, and I love meeting people in that way. We gave eachother shelter from the storm.

At one point she says " I think we should sing...'rain rain go away..."
and I go - OK
So we start singing "rain rain go away come again another day.."

The rain let's up just a little and I turn to her and say...
I think I am ready to go out there now

I hand the blanket back and start to walk away. She follows me a bit (almost like midnight cowboy) and says she is gonna run to the next doorway. I put my hand on her shoulder and squeeze it. I tell her that is was nice to meet her and wish her good luck with the move.

I just love these unexpected moments and chance encounters.


(So then as a followup, I get home soaked. and my daughter tells me "oh yeah there has been a tornado watch going on")