Annie Van Bergen Web Log

Moving on...time takes time

2012-01-07T19:35:00.006-05:00

I am finally feeling over my ex in a real way, and the hug said it all. OK, inspite of what people say I think 5 years after a 25 year marriage, and basically a 35 year relationship is a fair amount of time. It used to be the most safest comforting thing I could feel. The hug. Then afterwards...when he hugged me like at my dad's funeral...it felt bittersweet. I still felt it but knew it was not mine anymore. And those times made me sad.
But something has finally changed. I helped my kids wrap christmas presents for him, and his wife. Even a year ago that would have caused me pain. But this time I noticed it was poignant and saw the irony...but wasn't effecting emotionally as it could have been. I just was wanting to help my kids get their act together for christmas...I even joked with my daughter about it in a real, not laughing tears of a clown way.
I am going through some difficult family times now....trying to help my brother out. So the ex comes in last night to take our kids out to dinner. So he came into the house, I wasn't expecting that...but he wanted news on what was going on. I kind of put him in his place. Things are happening but I am not into talking to him about it.
I was at the computer, I didn't even stand up right away when he walked in. When I did stand up he came over and hugged me...and of course it is always nice to feel a man's arms hugging...but I realized I felt neutral... there was no longer an effect good or bad...and I think that is a good thing
He started to tease my son about his hairdo...and I thought that was unkind and his (my ex's ) hair was sticking up and looking pretty stupid. And I said something like "look who's talking...that's some look you have going on yourself. Were you actually going for that?" I actually thought he looked like a poor version of foghorn leghorn. And he and I and the kids had a good laugh
But as I digress...the point here, is that the hug said everything....I am over him. It no longer has power with me. I accepted it but it no longer has it's power. I have had hugs with men since him...acquaintances, friends and lovers....and I like them more.
The hug says/said it all...

therapy

2011-12-08T17:32:00.004-05:00

I used to scribble lots of things down on paper and came across this recently so I thought I would share:

As I walked into the waiting room my therapist was just seeing out his previous appt, a boy of about 8 or 9 while stopping to confer with the mom for a moment.

"you can go right in" he indicated acknowledging my entrance.

"You mean you do grown ups too!" the boy burst out with great surprise and enthusiam.
I couldn' help but smile widely and laugh slightly
Yeah even grown-ups I say as I make my way into the inner sanctum.

He runs in behind me regarding me as a curiosity or a kindred spirit, I am not sure which. "Where is it, where IS it?" he says
What I ask what are you looking for?
At this point the therapist walks in and tells the boy it is time to go, the game has been packed up and they will play again next time.

He shuts the door behind the boy's exit and takes the seat opposite, facing me
So, who's a grown-up anyway? I ask

JANIS JOPLIN - PIECE OF MY HEART

2011-11-25T04:49:00.003-05:00

My dad took me to see Janis Joplin perform at Queens College in the winter of 1969. It was a sunday night...I was actually getting ready for bed and looking forward to watching the Smother's Brothers show because they were gonna repeat a showing of the Beatles doing Hey Jude....You have to realize this is well before youtube,Vcrs etc. SO, these chances to see glimpses of the Beatles were few and far between, and for anyone who knows me, you know how big that is/was to me.
So he tells me we are gonna go see Janis. I had never heard of her yet. He wanted to go because he said she had been compared to Bessie Smith. I was 11. It was a winter night. He was teaching at the time. We braved the weather, sure that school would be snowed out the next day. We didn't worry about how we got home, just wanted the snow out.

Well DAYAM, the show was so great. She was just so amazing. And it was a fairly small venue. I became so honored that he wanted me to go with him. Talk about a performer who gives it all away..and leaves nothing behind. She was all that. I was blown away. She did many encores and my dad said he was gonna stay for every single one. I was very cool with that. It was an amazing night.

Unfortunately when we got outside the snow was minimal. We waited for the busses home and had to go to our respective schools the next day.

hello all

2011-11-16T20:26:00.002-05:00

At this point in time I am just flexing the muscles again....I will be writing more soon

Yay!

2011-11-15T19:32:00.001-05:00

I believe I am back!! More to follow

Rain

2010-09-16T18:20:00.009-04:00

I was out walking and just got caught in a torrential thunderstorm downpour. I wanted to take a walk and check out a store on Liberty Avenue, so I decided to make that my destination.

It looked like it would rain, but I don't mind. I like walking in the rain. And indeed it starts raining and I am digging it. Suddenly though it becomes EXTREME...thunder lightning. I am still walking in it, feeling exhilarated even, but then it worsens more. Raindrops are bouncing at least a foot back into the air off the street and sidewalks, and the wind is picking up.

I end up ducking into a doorway with this little Puerto Rican woman. It is really barely any shelter. She is holding a jacket over her head and holding a blanket. She says " I have this blanket you can use if you want". So I take the blanket and hold it over the two of us as we huddle together.

It didn't feel at all uncomfortable and we got into conversation. First as expected saying how crazy the rain is. I told her I didn't mind it but this was a little too extreme to walk around in. Plus I needed windshield wipers for my glasses.
She starts unloading and telling me things. How she is supposed to be meeting her husband. Do laundry. How her son is home alone probably freaking...(and then he calls her)..And how she is preparing to move. (I continues to cover us as best I can)

She mentions she has asthma.
Well that doesn't help I say

She is stressed about the move and starts telling me all the things she needs to do. I ask her some questions. I ask where she is moving to, but I don't think I ever got an answer.
She says how she has to get out of the neighborhood, and has been here 20 years.

She is moving this Saturday and gives me a litany of all she needs to do. Go to DMV just met with the movers, packing and I don't know, alot more. She is stressed about money...and I tell her it's so hard..everyone is, but I think you got a good price with the movers even though it will still be hard. "And I just put bengay on my back from all the packing" she says (emphazing it with her long decorated fingernails)

She describes some details of the move...She has mixed feelings...but when she went into some details such as the finances ( the rent is far less) and the fact that her son's school will be on the same block, it all sounds good and I tell her so
You are doing great it sounds like a very good move

She returns to saying that she has to get out of the neighborhood and starts complaining about the makeup of the area. And the truth is Liberty Avenue has become very seedy whoever is doing it. So then she asks me what is my country.

"What is your country?
Pardon?

"What is your country
(I still don't understand)
Whaat?

I finally understand.... she is asking me where I am from.
I was born here

And I tell her that I live on Atlantic Avenue and am gonna walk back there.

I think she is a bit incredulous...She gives me a look as though I am this weird eccentric white woman. But I do believe it was a serendipitous meeting. She certainly needed someone to talk to, and I love meeting people in that way. We gave eachother shelter from the storm.

At one point she says " I think we should sing...'rain rain go away..."
and I go - OK
So we start singing "rain rain go away come again another day.."

The rain let's up just a little and I turn to her and say...
I think I am ready to go out there now

I hand the blanket back and start to walk away. She follows me a bit (almost like midnight cowboy) and says she is gonna run to the next doorway. I put my hand on her shoulder and squeeze it. I tell her that is was nice to meet her and wish her good luck with the move.

I just love these unexpected moments and chance encounters.

(So then as a followup, I get home soaked. and my daughter tells me "oh yeah there has been a tornado watch going on")

Richmond Hill

2010-08-24T08:27:00.000-04:00

It's my hood. And I have stayed here through all the changes and it's still my hood.

I realize now that what I might love most...is that my kids have a sense of it too...they love it too. And their experience is different of course. But also the same in some ways..

It's a very folksey place. And I have come to realize we are kind of well known and loved here

And no matter what happens now..where ever they go and whatever they do..
We will always have Richmond Hill.

It's a precious time. I don't fear the empty nest. In fact I look forward to living alone..
But this is a very precious time right now

memories

2010-08-23T22:45:00.005-04:00

I need to write more. Things seem to keep on coming back to me.

I went to visit some NYC colleges in the the city with my dad...cause I knew I would want to go in the city. I was 18 and you know how you can feel like your parents are just too involved at that age. I was trying to make MY decision. So actually... I realize now there were some good choices and places that wanted me...I even had a full scholarship to one.

Anyhow, we are in this one place...they slap a name tag on me..show us around...and tell me I can go visit any class in progress I want to. I don't want to. I could see how they were presenting it., but I knew no class was expecting it...I wasn't into just walking into it. I was satisfied to talk to people and kind of get the lay of the land.
So, my dad is saying..."let's go to a class" and I am saying "no". We are walking though a hallway. I don't like that he is pressing it. I said NO.. I am not going. I've seen what I need to see.
And he yells at me "you are a doo doo!"
And I yell back "I am NOT a doo doo!"

I think I even yelled back that HE was.
But at the same time I couldn't help but see the comedy in the moment...and that if anyone was catching our fight..

At that point in time college seemed sooo big and so adult, and here I am having a doo doo argument with my father.

Suzanne

2010-07-16T18:06:00.006-04:00

Suzanne is an old and dear friend. We have lost contact but she recently contacted me and sent me a beautiful packet with letters and pictures. But most of all she told me that she found my blog and that it is "awesome". So Suzanne...this is for you. We always had a close friendship very independent of Teddy and Chris. And, you have always been special to my family. Be well...and we will be in touch!

Reunion

2010-07-11T16:11:00.007-04:00

There was to be a Richmond Hill reunion up at the bandshell at Forest Park today. A guy I went to high school with contacted me about a week ago:

"Are you gonna be there? he asked.
I guess so, I still live in Richmond Hill so it's easy for me to get to.
"Good" he said, and went on to say that he and his wife would arrive around 2.

(and then I put it out of my mind)

So, today when I got up I saw reminders on facebook about it. I was feeling ambivalent. I really wasn't sure if it was going to be old high school people, or people who used to live in Richmond Hill/Woodhaven...or a combination. In other words I wasn't sure what the crowd would be or if it would be people I knew.

I was trying to make up my mind. It was so inviting to just stay home. My brother was watching the Met game (which we rarely get) and the soccer finals were coming on. And although I have no interest...the netherlands are in it and I am partly of Dutch descent.

Then, I decided I should just get the fuck out. I went and showered, put on makeup, and tried to pull together a cute summer outfit; printed out a pic of my kids and literally kicked myself out the door.

Once I was on my way...I found myself into it...really starting to feel into it. It would be fun to hang out in forest park like that...haven't done that in years. I have not been feeling too good about my looks lately, but as I walked through the park, I saw I was getting checked out, and that inspired confidence to face the ol' reunion crowd as I got closer....whatever the crowd may be!

I approached the curve in the road leading to the bandshell with great anticipation. A park worker chatted me up for a minute. Then I was on my way but "oh no" I thought, what is this. I saw some wooden planks in the distance. "This doesn't look good" I thought. Then I got there and saw it....the whole bandshell area was fenced in, being redone...a total construction site.

OK, I was a bit freaked, but I figured they just came up with an alternate spot in the area. There is a big picnic area nearby. I walked through. There were all kinds of parties - birthday, showers, I think even a wedding...but no reunion people. At one point I thought I recognized someone and began to approach her. Then I heard her speak and realized I was wrong. Thankfully, I didn't make a fool of myself.

I went back to the parking lot...looking for confused people. It was pretty barren 'cept for a team of some sort gathering. I walked other surrounding areas and then back through the picnic area.
Damn there were all sorts of delicious barbecue smells in the air. So many parties but not a one for me. I decided it was time to walk back through the park and head home.

So, I went to the Reunion. A reunion for one. But, it was a beautiful day out, and the park was beautiful. And, if nothing else I got in a nice long...very long walk. That actually felt good. And hey if nothing else...

I tried!!

Must Be Springing...

2010-03-27T11:55:00.004-04:00

Couldn't sleep the other night, and then as early morning approached something pleasant happened. I heard the birds singing and I realized it was the first morning I'd heard them like that in a very long time. Very pretty sound...

For some reason

2010-03-21T15:45:00.003-04:00

This song gets to me for some reason...although I think Weiland goes a little flat here in the middle. I think there are elements that remind me of my ex and myself...
I wasn't sour..but "a teenage girl" I did listen to it alot during the time our marriage was going sour.

And as a song on it's own..I think it has a Bowie-ish quality to it that I like.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6Hn7X8r-hY

Hey

2010-03-18T02:40:00.002-04:00

This is gonna be one of those entrys that sucks. BUT...I am trying to post with some consistency. I am totally in insomniac mode tonight. It's kind of a curse but sometimes it's interesting to be up in the still of the night...

Ringoed

2010-03-15T18:52:00.002-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=513oCZt2rcA

I posted this video on my facebook. SCTV put this out way before Ringo ever started touring or doing his allstarr shows. I loved how SCTV would do such dead on imitations. I showed it to my brother. And then I asked him if he remembered how our parents would imitate Ringo.

They both took this silly delight and amusement at the way he would shake his head...and one or the other of them would out of nowhere go into an imitation of that head shake. Seeing Rick Moranis capture it in this video reminded me of that. And yes, my brother did remember. Funny and fond memory

Power

2010-03-10T22:08:00.009-05:00

I love music and right now I am thinking about how I love the aspect of the power of music. How a song can have such an effect and place one in a certain time and space in their lives. Even if it's a shitty song...if it was playing during an event, a time, a moment, it brings it back. I on the other hand heard a cool song tonight that placed me in a most wonderful place...

It's a real concern

2010-03-06T20:28:00.001-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4n1WyNm22A

In the Kitchen

2010-03-04T18:58:00.004-05:00

My kitchen is rather narrow. Last night I was making a couple of burgers for my son and his friend who were hanging out in the basement. My brother walked in and we got a little bit in eachother's way as he made his way toward the sink. He was watching with interest at the efficiency and aplomb with with which I was working as I sliced up tomatoes, lettuce, flipped burgers , toasted english muffins, got the ketchup and then arranged everything on the two plates I had set up on the counter, making it all come together at the same time. "You're just a regular short order cook, there" he chuckled. In response I ran to the basement door and called out "BURGERS UP!!"

All I needed was a bell.

O K...

2010-03-04T01:14:00.003-05:00

Off to a slow start cause I was feeling a little under the weather the past 2 days...but here I am getting back on the horse again. I swear by my hot water bottle. It cures, or at least helps to cure, soothe all ills in my mind.

Coming Up

2010-02-28T23:26:00.001-05:00

I have blogged very sporadically for awhile now. I have been inspired partly by Chris and also partly by myself to resume. I think it will improve my life. I think I should try and blog every day...even if it's only one line, even if it sucks. That's how I started blogging and I think it's time to "Get Back"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDBkySeyiDo

When John died

2009-10-16T20:51:00.009-04:00

I had just started a new job... but it felt creepy to me. Harold had been watching Monday Night football....he came running up to my room and told me John had been shot, and no one can get info on it. I immediately said "well, he can't be dead"

then I tuned into Vince Scelsa...he had to announce the sad news. I wept like a baby...

I went and quit my job the next day..I felt like life was too short...and something about it felt creepy to me. Young girl in my 20's, at the beck and call of these men..something was wrong...so I walked in and quit.

then I went home... I was drowning myself in the radio...they were all doing all Lennon, all day.

Then, my Grandad showed up...I was initially annoyed...I just wanted to drown in Lennon tunes, interviews alone...

But, he sat with me... he is/was an amazing fan of music.
He honored my grief...He sat and listened with me, and told me what he liked about it
He was never a big Beatle fan...lol...but He gave John a real listen...for me.

I treasure these things

On the Subway

2009-06-16T20:59:00.005-04:00

I was on the E train heading into the city about a week or so ago. A man came into the car holding an empty paper cup. Old black guy, bushy gray afro, beard, overcoat and only 2 teeth on the bottom row.
He started calling out, wailing "a quarter, can someone please give me a quarter...just one quarter" Sad, very plaintive and no one was paying attention. There were a few people with babies and kids in strollers. He started talking to them. This made some folks uncomfortable and others just ignored it. In between he kept asking for a quarter. I was seated next to the door but it was kind of blocked. I looked in my bag and dug out a few quarters..
As he got closer I held them out and tossed them in his cup so they would jangle.

"Thank you" he said.
"God bless you.
"God bless your family"

He started to take a step forward, then took a deliberate step back.
He looked me in the eye.
"And...Happy Birthday!"

He delighted in the expression of pleasant surprise on my face in reaction. When it came down to it, he really just wanted to be acknowledged, some human interaction.
We connected (and I thanked him)

And there was now this twinkle in his eye as he said that, which replaced the look and sound of desperation from just a moment or two ago.

It was a beautiful moment.

April 4th

2009-04-04T14:43:00.002-04:00

I remember April 4th, 1968 very vividly.

My parents were great..they would take us out, individually, in groups etc. This was to be my turn. We went to dinner at the restaurant at the museum of modern art. Up until that time, after all the times we had gone there, I didn't know they had one. I felt so honored. Next on the agenda was going to Carnegie Hall to see Duke Ellington perform his new spiritual music. It was so great. But....then... before the show started. Paster Genzel came out... I had met and seen him many times before at the jazz masses our parents took us to. He came out and announced that Martin Luther King had been shot and murdered. He led a prayer. I don't think I can ever remember seeing my dad cry like that.

They continued the show, and I have to say it was great. Everyone was so numb. I was in awe of how they were even able to perfom. But they decided to go on because it was spiritual music. Duke was on it. I will never forget that night.

I Feel My Dreams

2009-03-25T16:08:00.007-04:00

Does anyone else? I mean I feel things physically when I am dreaming.

If I am making love, I feel the sensations.
If I am being hit, I feel the pain.
If I am being tickled...I laugh.

What a weirdo...eh?

The Deli Man revisited

2009-01-25T13:49:00.002-05:00

I hadn't gone into that particular deli in quite a while. But, I had to go to the bank on Jamaica Avenue and was passing by on my way home so I stopped in to buy a soda.

"Hello my darling" (the deli man says) "how are you feeling?"

pretty good (I say ) how are you?

"Bery good. I always feel better after seeing you. You come in, always with such a nice smile, always very pretty."

So I thanked him, told him it was good to see him too, and was on my way.
(now maybe I am easily pleased, but how can that not make one's day?)

Yowsa

2009-01-13T23:07:00.009-05:00

Al declared winner !
(my heart not only sings, it dances and boogies too)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_mwsDFm7bQ

Go Senator Mick!

Yay!

2008-09-11T00:34:00.006-04:00

Al got the nomination!

(my heart sings)

At the Deli

2008-07-17T23:04:00.005-04:00

My mom has been staying with me. I needed to pick up some things from the deli...basics like milk bread, and some stuff for lunch. She wanted to go with me. So, we got some coldcuts...and I got the other stuff. I was depositing things on the counter.

"Do you want to get some cake?" she asks
No, I say I am not much of a cake person these days.

"Well neither am I, but for some reason I have been wanting some cake" she says grabbing the Entenmenn's butter pound cake she already had her hands on.

(Me emphatically) Well then, let them eat cake!

Parallel Pleasures

2008-06-10T09:49:00.003-04:00

I listened to a Beatles Anthology CD this morning, covering the Let it Be, Abbey Road era. Great stuff...It really lifted me up.

I think almost nothing makes me as happy as music.

good music...
good sex

parallel pleasures

Damn

2008-06-01T12:56:00.005-04:00

I went food shopping at Pathmark on Friday, and I just broke down.

It hit me like a ton of bricks, out of nowhere.
Thoughts of visiting my father at his deathbed. How hard it was, and how inadequate I felt. And, that horrible horrible moment when I had to leave for the airport, and had to say goodbye to him for what I knew was the last time.

It all came crashing down on me.
Sobbing into my cart in the produce aisle.

I composed myself as best I could. I take care of myself.
But, I know I walked around like a zombie. Not even sure of what I bought, and
still trying to shake the thoughts.

What's the old saying?

One step forward two steps back.

(felt like at least two hundred)

"She loves the rain..."

2008-05-31T13:04:00.003-04:00

"I love a rainy spring day when the lime green blossoms are on the trees and the bark gets real dark from the rain.

One year on my Birthday it was just such a day...and I considered it my gift."

rainy spring day

lime green blossoms

on trees

dark from rain

sometimes I think the bears are onto something

2008-05-23T16:41:00.018-04:00

Sometimes, I feel the need to hibernate...

Not in some depressive isolationist way. More of a restorative thing. Can't dial a cell phone with a dead battery. Just take a deep rest to renew, restore, replenish, reinvigorate....recharge the batteries to come out rarin' to go again!

re.. re... re !

Hibernation - maybe the bears are onto something.

We lost a great one

2008-03-23T17:25:00.004-04:00

My father died today...and I can not quite wrap my brain around that. My son put it best when he said "he is the biggest character in our family"
This photo was taken in 1970 by my mother. We were about to go see the Who perform "Tommy"
We were all there because he stood online for a long time and persevered. He wanted his whole family (or the "whole fam damily" as he would say) to see the first rock opera, performed for the first time, at the Metropolitan Opera House.

It's my dad at his best.

Zen

2008-03-18T19:21:00.002-04:00

My dad is failing fast, and I am trying to find my inner zen and strength. I am flying down to Florida tomorrow to be with him, and my mom, for what I am sure will be a very emotional and poignant visit, so I am trying to find my inner Zen. Here is something I wrote about him on his birthday a few years back.

Full Moon Night

It was his birthday on Friday. I spoke to him on the phone, and he sounded pretty good. After we spoke he asked my mom for the phone again and said "Annie, I want you to come with me next month to go on the Rich People's March." ...

Follow up (or Vday Pt2)

2008-02-25T12:50:00.002-05:00

"bought the girl some flowers" (and champagne too)

Paint Yer Toes and the Town! (or Happy Valentine's Day)

2008-02-14T18:26:00.003-05:00

Yeah, Valentine's Day. I never did dig the forced feeling to it. I like genuine expression (which is not to say it can never coincide). I know how to be by myself (in fact I need it), to be my own best friend, and all that jazz

But for some reason, I found myself in a real funk today. Found myself wanting that kind of attention (today) - hearts and flowers, sweet nothings, romance, and passion. I started to wallow a bit and that bothered me. That's not like me. So, I decided, that while I didn't want to be in that state, I had to dignify the feelings. I decided to just live alongside of them..

Now what?
I decided to indulge myself in sensual delights. I took a LONG hot shower, and lotioned up. I ironed a pretty lavender shirt. I spritzed the shirt and immersed myself in the delectable Moon Petal Musk.
(which you can read about - Ah, But is it Worthy?)

Then, to continue in this vein, I decided to do something I haven't done in a long time, but enjoy.
I decided to paint my toes bright red:

One only knows where this can lead from here. Maybe I will go and get some champagne and flowers! Very worthy indeed.

Have a Happy Day Y'all

OK

2008-02-04T12:59:00.000-05:00

So,
I really don't have much to say at the moment, but I am getting tired of looking at that same baby picture, adorable as it is. New Year's Day has come and gone, time to get on with it already.

So for now,
I will just say a big hearty "HI"
to all..
Across the Universe

Happy New Year Baby

2007-12-31T16:17:00.000-05:00

In the spirit of renewal and rebirth, with optimistic wishes for a great 2008...

tis herself

Happy New Year Baby!

Yeah Yeah Yah

2007-10-30T22:38:00.000-04:00

Cool video,
nice song.
(and I dig the converse sneakers)

Click here: YouTube - PAUL McCARTNEY - EVER PRESENT PAST [Widescreen]

911

2007-09-11T23:06:00.000-04:00

Six years later and there are still aftershocks...

There are all kinds of casualties from that day. My divorce became final this summer. The reasons my marriage broke up are complicated and manifold, but I do believe in some ways it is a casualty of that day.

He was a cop. He worked 23 hours straight that day, mostly at ground zero, saw god knows what, digging out bodies and body parts....in fear of fragile buildings falling apart on top of him, in the middle of the night. He came home and clung to me and I held him.

A few hours later he went back.

My daughter had just started High School. We , mostly I had spent time prepping her on practice subway rides so she could learn the route. It was the first day she tried it by herself. Suddenly the city was in lockdown. There was no way to reach her, no way of knowing all day if there would be other attacks. She had no idea what was happening or if her dad was dead or alive. We spent most of the day out of contact, but she managed to make her way home.

My son had just started 4th grade. He didn't understand why his teachers were crying...I went and got him out of school and explained it to him.

My daughter was terrified to go to school, to be in Manhattan or to ride the subway. I called her school daily...spoke to her teachers or dept heads, wrote many notes. I took her on the subway all over Queens...to keep her in touch, to help her make her way back. For a long while she couldn't travel alone. I would try and find a family member to go with her to and from, or I would go myself, if I could find someone to be there for my son in the morning.

My son was terrified that planes would crash into his school, and scared for his dad. (they both were) . I gave him pins to wear that his dad had brought home. He wanted them pinned to his shirt every day. Sometimes I would be asked if they were "back to normal", and I would say there is no "back to normal", just the new normal, whatever that will be.

My husband worked 16+ hours every day. He would rest at St Paul's Church right across the street. 2 weeks later I went down there with him. And to areas that were forbidden to all but cops and army, reserves, etc. and just talked to these shell shocked workers. Most of them were just standing there staring...all exhausted and in disbelief. He would come home from work, and I would sometimes fix him a stiff drink, something to eat, but mostly just hold him, put my arms strongely around his 6'3 frame, and try to give him strength.

Whatever problems existed exacerbated. There was emotional abuse. There were anger problems that went through the roof. At some point he decided it would be better to screw around, leave me for someone else and start again.

There are all sorts of casualties of that day.

OK...

2007-07-20T19:49:00.000-04:00

So, I just saw this headline in AOL news....

"Bush Colonoscopy Will Put Cheney In Charge"...

Now, excuse me,...but hasn't Cheney been up Bush's ass and on top for a long time?

Also, the article continues by telling us the results of Dubya's past exams.
We know he is an ass...do we also have to know what is in it?

Popeye

2007-07-18T13:18:00.000-04:00

Innocent yet so deep,

from out of left field.

Off kilter wisdom, but willing to yield.

A lover of senses,

feel them all, let them jam

With humor and passion,

I yam what I yam.

2007-07-06T16:10:00.000-04:00

WILL

Naturally...

2007-06-10T13:26:00.000-04:00

I decided to treat myself to Paul McCartney's latest CD so I stopped in at Starbucks. I had heard that earlier in the week there had been a so called launch party where Starbucks played the album all day on the day it was released. A nice looking young guy with dark hair and a long ponytail graciously got me an iced coffee and rang up my CD purchase.
"So" I asked him "Did you play this thing all day here on Tuesday?" and he said "yes"
"Did it drive you nuts, did it make you go insane?"
"OH my God!" he said "I was going out of my mind. I kept thinking..play something else, play anything else, even a Beatle song. PLEASE!"
I told him that yeah, it would make me crazy to listen to the same thing all day long, even if I liked it, and then I told him that when I heard about the promotion I immediately felt bad for all Starbucks employees everywhere. We laughed and I was on my way.

It reminded me of my favorite story about the Abbott and Costello routine "Who's on First?"
My brother had gone to the baseball hall of fame in Cooperstown with a friend. The friend needed to use the restroom, so my brother parked himself on a bench. There was a TV endlessly playing the "who's on first?' routine. Nearby stood a security guard.
My brother turned to the security guard.
"Gee, it must drive you crazy to listen to this all day long" he said.
The security guard I'm told looked straight ahead and uttered a single word.

"Naturally!"

I'm "it"

2007-04-10T11:19:00.000-04:00

I have been tagged. I believe, in part as a gentle nudge to jump start me back to participating in the blogging arena. Life, loss and other things, seem to have affected my ability to write, and sometimes even think at times. And as this does happen to be my birthday month and a milestone year, it seems a timely nudge.

Anyhow, blogger Knowleypowley of New Gold Dream has tagged me to enter my birthday at Wikipedia and share the following:

Three Events
1657 - Freedom of religion is granted to the Jews of New Amsterdam (later New York City).
(because freedom of religion as well as from religion is so important, my name is of Dutch descent, NYC is my hometown, and it took place 300 years before my birth, an even number)

1912 - Opening day for baseball stadiums Tiger Stadium in Detroit, Michigan, and Fenway Park in Boston, Massachusetts. (because baseball is like jazz, and the constitution, a positive landmark of American history and culture. One of these, is to be torn down this year, one is still in use. It is sad sometimes that as young as this country is, there is a lack of respect for historical landmarks.)

1986 - Pianist Vladimir Horowitz performed in his native Russia for the first time in 61 years. The concert was viewed by millions on television. (because I remember this very well, was very very moved by it, and because I play the piano as well)

Two Birthdays
1893 - Harold Lloyd, American actor (d. 1971) - one of the greats, and at this point the image of hanging high above the street from the hands of a clock is a metaphor I can relate to.

1908 - Lionel Hampton, American musician (d. 2002) - powerful musician, whom I admire, and because I happen to like sending people "good vibes" which I also believe are powerful.

( 1940 - George Takei, American actor -stealing a 3rd, but hey, it's Sulu!)

One Death
1992 - Benny Hill, British comedian (b. 1924) - need I really say more?

One Holiday
Many cannabis users smoke marijuana on April 20th, in keeping with the expression four-twenty. Ahhh, now this is one that I would like to observe this year.

I think I will now pass the tag onto Danny Pitt Stoller of Everything Shines and Lever of Forever Blue Skies

I'll Be Bach...

2007-02-18T12:57:00.000-05:00

Back that is, you know I will. To borrow a phrase from a fellow blogger, it's been a crap couple of weeks. Alot of emotional upheaval, alot for a person to bear.

But, I will re-emerge, in one form or another, as I regather the forces.

And, I'll be back, you know I will.
(or maybe Mozart)

And So...

2006-12-31T19:55:00.000-05:00

From my house to yours... peace, love, health, and happiness in the new year!

Finale

2006-12-31T19:45:00.000-05:00

Probably not one of my most creative entries but I wanted share the last quote of the year from my Outhouses Calendar:

"Peaceful solitary night
Moonless and starless
Enshroud the day the wounds me
In you darkest veils."
-Rene Descartes

So very beautiful and palpable.

(And a simple clay red outhouse in a snowy woods with the snow melted in the area (ahem) just surrounding the structure)

And so goes the month of December...

Romance

2006-12-10T11:52:00.000-05:00

Mmmmmm...
I made beef stew the other night....to die for.
My kids love my beef stew.

I explained to my daughter, that I don't like to think I cook it, as much as I romance it. (I like to coax it along, bit by bit, add things here and there, let it simmer, or let it just sit for a bit, then come back and do some more.)

She rolled her eyes. I think she thinks I romance, romanticize everything.
And now as we face the end of the year, I am concerned that I won't be able to find a new Outhouses calendar for 2007.

"Would it really bother you, would you really be upset if you couldn't?" she asks.
Yes, I really think I would, honey
"Well, you are probably the only one who bought it, because you are crazy" (we laugh)

Yeah, that's right
crazy... like a fox!

Bittersuite...

2006-11-16T16:17:00.000-05:00

Very bittersweet afternoon I just spent. Business, then lunch. (What the hell is he thinking?) But, I pulled no punches and totally spoke my mind.

I have said this before, but it bears repeating.
Life just breaks your heart, dunnit?

Ah, But is it Worthy?

2006-11-14T17:15:00.001-05:00

I seem to have this knack, a penchant towards discontinued items. I no sooner discover something I like, thinking I have found my signature style when it becomes discontinued. For example:

Discontinued bra styles.
Discontinued scents.
Discontinued lip and nail colors.
Discontinued restaurants.
..and who knows, sometimes maybe even
Discontinued people.

Among these is a body mist called Moon Petal Musk. It has become impossible to find.
I am actually bidding on some from EBay as we speak.

Anyhow, during the summer I found sampler sets of various body mists and lo and behold... there was moon petal musk. Only thing was I had to buy 3 others I didn't want. I continued to hunt and found a second pack of 4 containg the elusive scent.
So, I casually switched things around a bit and had 2 of what I wanted, and 2 lesser ones, quickly paid and left. Turns out the sets were on sale too! I was happy.

A few days later, I needed to go food shopping. My daughter was coming with me, and she spritzed herself with one of the other scents. I happily put on my musk.

She questioned me. "Mom, we are only going to Pathmark"
Yeah, I know...
"So, is it really Moon Petal Musk worthy?" she asked.

Good point. I realize I only have so much of the stuff, don't know when or if I will be able to get any more.

So my friends, should you find yourself in my company, and happen to catch a whiff of the moon petal musk, consider yourself very worthy indeed!

OK...

2006-11-07T17:25:00.000-05:00

So, it's still fall, election day, and having already cast my vote I swept up leaves in front of my house, then came in and looked at my Outhouses calendar.

Looks like a hot sunny fall afternoon., maybe late afternoon. A small dark green wooden outhouse with lazy shadows and wooden shingles on a pointed roof this time. It's very small but appears to fill the bill. But, a latch with a lock hanging on it, so one would need a key.

But I love the quote -

"Every true poet, independently of the ideas that come to
him from eternal truth, should contain the sum of the ideas of his time."
-Victor Hugo

Ahhh Victor

I seek these things among others. They make me feel alive. Hopefully, I do manage an interesting cross section, cause I love and am open to all of these kind of ideas. In any case, I enjoy tuning in.

October

2006-10-29T14:09:00.000-05:00

I just love the fall. It is wicked! I think my senses feel heightened somehow.

My Outhouses calendar has a lovely photo for the month. An outhouse made of dark wooden shingles, with a pointed roof, surrounded by a forest of white birch trees, and a blanket of orange leaves on the ground. Luvly. It might be my favorite one yet.

And the quote it gives us to ponder...
"A man who would employ his life seriously must always act as
though he had a great many years ahead of him and order his time
as though he expected to die very soon."
- Jean-Jacques Ampere-

I suppose so, but I don't want to think about that right now... I'm gonna feel the fall.

No Joy in Mudville

2006-10-20T00:11:00.000-04:00

Mighty Beltran has struck out.

Oh man, and after that amazing catch by Endy Chavez. Oh man what a play. A homerun ball turned into a double play. Poetry in motion. OH man!

They still were in it....bases loaded, I have seen this before....the vibe was good
but, alas, it was not to be.

But I still love 'em. Let's go Mets (ooh)...Let's go Mets (ooh)!

(and incidentally, if anyone cares, I am now rooting for the tigers all the way)

At the hospital...

2006-09-30T21:39:00.000-04:00

Not sure if I got this down exactly as I want to say it but here goes...

I was in the hospital this past week to have a procedure done. Although I believe it was considered non surgical, it was fairly invasive and intrusive in it's own way, and has required some recuperative time. Since being home there have been bouts in the middle of the night, or first thing in the morning of such pain, there is panic (and I am used to pain).
But... then, that magical moment, when I staggered the meds just right, use a hot water bottle, a cuppa tension tamer tea, and all is well. I am grateful things went well, and this time shall pass.

And yet the strange thing, is that in some ways it was an interesting and slightly deep experience. I was in a little cubicle, with the curtain drawn... next to a window. 3 or 4 IV's in my arm...a catheter negating the need to use the bathroom. I kept throwing up and was in extreme pain that even challenged the morphine.
Sweaty and upset I gratefully accepted the nurse's offer of a sponge bath. It was soothing and I sighed. And as the bed space next to me had recently received an occupant and her visitor, I couldn't help thinking of that infamous Seinfeld episode, and if I was playing a part in an absurd bit of comedy.

And then something happened...

Something inside me decided that I should just embrace the situation, embrace the experience. Open up and delve into it a bit, see what maybe I could get out of it even, not resist. And, so I did...
In the midst of my misery, I lay there and tried to think... beyond the obvious, what was it, what was it that I really needed. Quiet, kept coming back to me, I needed to be in the QUIET.
I began to shift my orientation to try and discover what the situation could offer, rather then it's limitations. And, slowly, I realized it was a regression....regression and quiet or maybe regression into the QUIET.
I had felt helpless, like a baby. So, why not be a baby? I thought. The tubes that had felt like such a hindrance suddenly seemed more like nourishment, and freedom.

Then I regressed further.

I started thinking about the womb, and the tubes going in and out of me as a more natural connection to the womb. Not in a specific way, but more of a collective womb. I looked out the window at the midnight blue sky which gave a nice visual complement to this whole notion. I envisioned that embryonic creature at the end of the film 2001. And at some point I spent time in the QUIET...

Now, make no mistake, for the most part it was very miserable, very rough night. (just ask the staff) Constant interruptions for vital sign checks, insistence I stand, in the throes of demanding pain and nausea, and barely any sleep.

But...inbetween all that, I did find a moment here and there and got to the QUIET, even if it was fleeting.
I never once accessed the tv, listened to the CD's or looked at the book I brought. And I am sure any of these things would have provided me distraction.
Had I done that, I would have completely missed out on that quiet space. I am so glad to have tuned into that. What a shame it would have been to miss it.

Catchup

2006-09-30T11:34:00.000-04:00

Post op and playing catchup here. I never posted the quote from my outhouses calendar for Sept. But, I figure if I do it by the end of today, I'm cool.
And, I really like the quote for this month.

"Freedom is the very essence of man. Even to submit, one must first be free; to bind oneself over to another, one must first belong to oneself. A man who would surrender his freedom in advance would not be a man, he would be but a thing."
- Honore De Balzac-

Very true. I can remember telling my friends as a young girl..."well, I am really my own best friend." I can fiercely guard belonging to myself . I have private jokes with myself. I always have this desire to keep a part of myself just for me. Yet, it is important and even healthy, for one to submit sometimes. A delicate balance.
Emotional self sufficiency is a good skill to have, I know this, but is it a way to always live, all the time? Is it smilarly strong and maybe brave to put it aside sometimes... I think about these things.
A delicate balance.

Anyhow...the outhouse pictured for the month appears to be made of baby blue aluminum siding.. there is a vent..some weird stuff on top that could be mistaken for some type of satellite TV reception. But locked from the outside with a lock that requires a key. Ahhh...I guess hence the quote selected.

ahh the Deli Man..

2006-09-24T19:20:00.000-04:00

Lots going on and I have sort have been too stressed and frazzled lately to write much of anything.
Then... cause it's Sunday, when I needed milk my usual deli was closed so I went back to the other place.
The Deli man greeted me warmly and asked how I was. I told him I was ok. "Are you?" he asked. Yes, I told him.
So I asked how he was doing.
"Bery beautiful" he says which causes me to break out into a big grin. "I been working bery hard, I work every day all day long"
I know, I know you do...I say in what I hope is a soothing voice.
"But yestereday I was at Shea Stadium"
Cool! (I respond)
I love how he is always bright, he seems to take pleasure in the simplest of conversations (which I dig) but now his face brightens more as he goes on.

He proceeds to tell me how he went to Shea with his family...He was 3 people away from buying tickets. Some guy comes up and asks him how many tix he needs and he says "5". Well, the guy pulls out 6, gives them to him...and says "Merry Christmas"

"3 people away (he holds up 3 fingers to punctuate it), 3 people away!"
WOW - I respond
"I was 3 people away from spending $200!"

That's so great! That it sooooo great. Couldn't happen to a nicer guy.
And on that note I take my leave. (people are waiting in line by this time)

Gotta love the Deli Man

Trajectory

2006-08-21T00:17:00.000-04:00

One insisted on his innocence, the other insists on his guilt. Both determind yet with detached faraway looks, and both small men led around in cuffs on TV.
Something about the way that this footage of the JonBenet Ramsey suspect John Mark Karr, evokes a similar vibe to that of Lee Harvey Oswald in custody, has triggered something.

Memories, not just of specific events, (although certainly that)...but also memories of specific feelings, and a view of the world.

I learned the meaning of the word trajectory in the aftermath of President Kennedy's assassination. I was a little girl, 6 years old at the time. And recently I have felt like I have reentered her, mind, body, and psyche and all.

That whole time just blew my mind, as it probably did everyone's, I brought my sensibilites as a child to it. I think I always probably had a certain maturity to me even when very young..but that time probably shaped it too.

I remember feeling absolutely terrified. Just feelings of absolute terror that day. And, I didn't have the language for it, but I felt like anarchy had started and the world was completely out of control. I didn't know how to express that, and I sensed a certain impatience from the adults around me with my confusion.

I was glued to the TV. I remember even being scolded for watching the whole thing too much, but I was trying to get a handle on it. Then one day as my mother was ironing...we saw Oswald shot on live tv. It only served to reinforce my feelings that now we all could get shot at any time.
But, I remember clearly the thing that freaked me out the most, was when they showed it on the news that night, in slow motion. And the commentator pointing out how Oswald's head will appear from behind some man's shoe as he falls to the floor.

I thought it was sick. And in my mind (again without the exact language for it) I questioned the psychology of those who needed to report it and show it like that, almost more than I questioned the shooting itself. I was questioning their minds.

I have always had this kind of ablity to view myself or a situation I'm in in the 3rd person. Like I am experiencing and watching at the same time. Maybe it was what I did to a degree then.
I had to step back in a way, to soothe myself, and in my TV watching I slowly understood the idea of transition of power, and that there was some sort of system in place.
I did however, have the mistaken idea that Kennedy's funeral was what a funeral was. When they announced that Oswald's funeral was to take place later one evening I thought...."Well I guess they just take all the horses out in the dark too"
(you see I had already come to see that the world was totally absurd)

Interesting the trajectory of time and space, how it can expand and contract...

OK....

2006-08-19T22:30:00.000-04:00

Is it just me? Or... does this news footage of the supposed confessed killer of Jon Benet Ramsey somehow evoke in some eerie way the same vibe as Oswald in custody?

(just throw in the black eye and bruises)

Holy Outhouse Batman

2006-08-05T14:01:00.000-04:00

A kind of lengthy quote from the outhouses calendar for August:

"Profound Ignorance makes a Man dogmatic; he who knows nothing, thinks he can teach others what he has just learned himself; whilst he who knows a great deal, can scarce imagine any one should not be acquainted with what he says, and speaks for this reason with more Indifference."
-Jean De La Bruyere-

Maybe a certain arrogance in both. Somehow I think the quote might suit the photo.

It's actually a pretty outhouse...painted a nice yellow with wooden shingles on the roof. In green wood there is the outline of a faux window on the outside with a little flower box underneath.

But, this cute little house is trembling under the weight of a huge wooden cross. It is overpowering and is bordered with christmas lights that I can only assume illuminate it more at night.

Is that what they mean by holy shit?...

I am remiss..

2006-07-19T11:39:00.000-04:00

Here we are, just past midmonth and I have yet to share a quote from my outhouses calendar. Well, It's been a busy time I guess.

Anyhows:
the quote for the month is -
"Love alone begets Love. We commence but cold Lovers,
when we have but just quitted the most endearing Friendship."
-Jean De LA Bruyere-

I don't know, I'll have to ponder that.

But -
An amusing little outhouse in the picture. All wood, kind of dilapidated, some of it held together with rope, and no door. Yet somehow the full roll of toilet paper hanging on the wall makes it seem "oh so civilized".

I am lucky

2006-07-12T21:59:00.000-04:00

So much of my education comes from family life

We talked and explored, and learned so much. Our parents were into great things.
Woody Guthrie is great, a genius...no doubt

But Pete Seeger is Willie Mays...
and even as a little girl, even with all the the great mental emotional things he expressed...I noticed Pete's physicality

Every time he sings...he points his head up....it is a great stance
looks up, mouth up, into the mike, into the sky... he is into it.

It is strong, individualistic
It has never ceased to amaze me.

Outhouse quote for the Month

2006-06-02T11:44:00.000-04:00

"What is man in nature? Nothing in relation to the infinite
all in relation to nothing, a mean between nothing and everything."
- Blaise Pascal -

Mean Mr. Mustard.

So, a new month and my outhouse calendar speaks again. I like this one.
I mean it.
I'll stop now.

Sometimes

2006-05-21T21:42:00.000-04:00

I feel like I am on the brink of
the most amazingly wonderful freewheelin time of my life

at others
I feel like I am Superman
chained to a block
of kryptonite

Hmmmm

2006-05-17T19:45:00.000-04:00

Paul McCartney and his wife just separated...

Maybe he and I should get into a support group

Yeah Yeah Yeah

The Deli Man...(revisited)

2006-05-02T19:25:00.000-04:00

Just got back from that deli again,
probably haven't been there in like 2 months,
whenever it was I last posted on it.

He was ringing my stuff up, ("is that it, sweetheart?") asked how I have been,
and I asked him how it was all going.

"You always have such a bery beautiful smile" he says.
"And you are always so pleasant and friendly" I reply.

We smile and nod "makes a difference in the day" I say and he agrees.

Again, it doesn't feel like a come on, or disrespectful, just a recognizition.
(even when I haven't been there in a long while)

He works in a depressing looking hovel, god knows how many hours a day, but seems to know how to make his moments happy.

Something to be said for that.

It's May, it's May.....

2006-05-01T10:58:00.000-04:00

Outhouse calender quote for the month

"Nothing resembles the sublime style more than turgidity:
the ridiculous is one of the extremes of the subtle"
- Jean-Louis Guez, Seigneur De Balzac-

nice
a very rustic outhouse for May

_______________________________________

It was a nice weekend.
On the futon, some of it.
We made no demands of our time together.
Just hung out as ourselves and
enjoyed eachother's company.
And I'm not sure if he is aware,
but he was smiling...........alot.

Happy Birthday to Meeeee!

2006-04-20T15:26:00.000-04:00

49 and ....very fine!!

4-20
It's a good thing

Fettucine!...

2006-04-11T17:35:00.000-04:00

(said in rasply exclamation a la Kirstie Alley in a Jenny Craig ad)

For some reason this has become the new catch phrase around the house between me and my kids.
It is all encompassing, multipurpose and can be used in greeting, when one is confused, or amused at something, or just for the sheer experience of saying it for no reason at all.
If one of us yells it out someone else inevitiably answers or laughs. (or both)

But ya gotta say it like Kirstie Alley.

Fetah CHEE NEY!!

quote

2006-04-06T23:06:00.000-04:00

"My mind is like a carwash"

Said to me by mother today. She had something she wanted to say to me and lost her train of thought. I thought is was a great line. I told her, funny, smart and very descriptive. Something about thoughts passing through but not being able to hold onto them. I really thought it was a great description.

tattoo

2006-04-04T18:39:00.000-04:00

Once again I am at Pathmark, where the wait and the lines often seem endless.
I decided to wait on the last "bag your own" line in the back cause it was most out of the way.

Everyone has that look of drudgery on their face, the odd kid or two is whining.
The pony tailed kid behind the register looks very somber but is efficient with his task.

Finally my things are being rung up and I absentedmindedly shift them down the belt, setting them up for packing.
Actually I am preoccuppied, pensive even, hoping the damned bank card works (last time it didn't) so mentally I have my fingers crossed.
Then I noticed his tattoos. The cashier has the most interesting arrangement of musical notation circling his wrist. Different kind of Eighth notes, Quarter notes. G clef, etc. I really dug it....and got lost in thoughts about loving the beauty of music.

Just as I am noticing this "Eureka!" the card is accepted. He hands me the slip to sign and as I hand it back I point to his wrist nodding and say "Hey I really like your tattoos"
His face softened into a huge grin "oh, THANK you!"
And I gave him a big smile back, and was on my way.

What's the matter, why can't I have a tattoo like that?

Outhouse quote for the month

2006-04-02T12:54:00.000-04:00

"There are no children we love more passionately than those born of our own minds,
those of whom we are both father and mother."
-Jean-Louis Guez, Seigneur De Balzac-

Such a pretty little Outhouse for the month of april, my birthday month.
It's a cool calendar.

it's a GOOD looking Friday...

2006-03-31T16:44:00.000-05:00

Randi just said that.

Funny, men were looking at me alot yesterday, and I wondered "what is up with that?"
I could see them stopping conversations and turning their heads. (Some were saying hi.) But geez I am roughly 50 years old. I kept hearing Kirk saying "for what PURpose?"

And don't even get me started on what happened in the park girlfriend.

I sometimes look ok, I sometimes look like hell. On my best days I like to just think I exude something pleasant.

Anyhow...in the final analysis...I just decided it was just the Spring Air
and as Air america's randi said...a goodlooking day.

Bruce

2006-03-29T18:39:00.000-05:00

I was the last one to talk to him before he died.
He was unconscious, his head was pointed up. I'd like to believe that on some level he was aware and heard.

I stroked his cheek and his forehead.
I told him I loved him.
And I told him to
"sleep well"
"Sleep deep"
and I kissed him goodbye.

Someone told me that he must have died happy.
I guess I'd like to believe that on some level that is true too

Happy birthday..I miss you
(you got a brownie for me?)

I used to dance around the house all the time

2006-03-26T19:57:00.000-05:00

I really did.

So, I have been depressed and stressed lately. Was having a draggy day.
But tonight when trying to tune in airamerica I accidentally went to the FM side and got the KTU Studio 54 party night show or something.
I wanted something to listen to while making dinner. Anyhow I call out, to no one in particular..."I think maybe I'll just listen to this crap instead the demise of everything for awhile."

I am gyrating and shaking my hips to shiek's "Good Times" getting down with my badself as I cut up potatoes into a pot.

Without realizing it my daughter had walked into the room and watched me for a moment
"oh my god mom!"
"Hey I have to make some fun for myself" I say, and she heads back to the computer

And I realize, if I am dancing...it can't be all that bad
(and I think somewhere, she felt that too)

At the cemetery...

2006-03-26T00:27:00.000-05:00

where my grandparents are buried actually.

We sat in the car. He kept pushing and pressuring me and making huge demands.
In spite of all I had expressed, and exposed about my emotional state

And I just found myself detaching and looking around and thinking...
I guess we are in the perfect setting for this

Lay Deeee

2006-03-16T12:09:00.000-05:00

Al doing Jerry....does it get any better than that?

Full Moon Night

2006-03-14T15:19:00.001-05:00

Full Worm Moon to be exact but

Further...

Some thoughts on my father.
It's his birthday today.
He called to thank me while I was waiting online at pathmark for the book I sent, on the parallel sayings of Marx & Lennon (groucho and john of course)
I had gotten something else but in my mind this was what I really wanted for him, so yesterday I just went to amazon and spent whatever it took to get it to him today.
He loved it, I was so glad. He mentioned some good talks we have had, including marx and lennon.

My father is quite a character. One of the most intelligent men I have ever met. He grew up without his own father, lost him when he was 5.
But when it came to us, he was very involved with the world, very much an activist, and placed us in world events.
I went to many marches and things and remember feeling like it mattered, like my presence even as a kid really mattered. Because of that, I truly experienced the 60's, the very palpable feeling of communion and hope that existed and for that I am grateful.

I remember when I was in 5th grade, he took me to DC to the march that was part of the Poor People's campaign. It was one of the last things Martin Luther King was instrumental in planning before he was murdered. Coretta Scott King among others spoke.

I remember Resurrection City..the kind of shanty town built on the spot. My father wanted me to pose for a pic in front of it. I remember thinking it was a frivolous thing to do in such a serious setting. I was taking pictures of the scene myself because I wanted to document it on it's own, but felt a little weird, like I was intruding. Anyhow, I obliged my dad and still have the photos. I also still have the buttons.
I remember getting up at 5 am to catch the bus out of Manhattan. When we arrived in DC the bus went through alot of the poor neighborhoods and people were smiling, waving and welcoming us,so happpy to see us...It was so beautiful.
I remember arriving home after midnight but still having to go to school the next day. I was sent in with an absent note. "Please excuse Annie's absence yesterday. She attended the Poor People's March". She looked from me to the note and back again.
"Is this for real?" she asked.
I remember telling her an emphatic yes, and then her asking in a tone suggesting she was calling my bluff..."well, would you like to tell the whole class about it? "YESSS" I answered, like I couldn't believe my luck. Not only did I get to go, but I was gonna get to TALK about it to everyone now too.
And I remember...I did.

I was really kinda on my own planet... (always, and yay! full moon night)

He is a little more fragile now .. Or, fra-GILL-lee as he'd be the first to point out groucho would say it.
I have had to face some personal fragility lately which is not easy. Like I have been such a fool. How could I have allowed certain things to happen and allow others not to?

But hey, you know what they say...
hindsight is 14billion/14billion

"it's Friday ya bastards!...."

2006-03-10T16:38:00.000-05:00

Dayam

Sometimes you just hit a wall so hard, there's no denying it
No alternative but to just stop in your tracks, step back, and
RESPECT it.

(And it just ain't the sam(e) when seder tries to do the "bounce your boobies" thing)

The Deli Man

2006-03-07T18:11:00.000-05:00

Just got back from the deli, one I don't go to too often.
Always the same guy, whatever time of day or night, but very friendly,and pleasant.

"How are you today?" he asks.
I tell him I am good and say
"And how are you doing?" (in a voice to indicate I mean it, it's not by rote)

"I am doing pretty good.
Life is BERY beautiful!"
"Isn't it a beautiful thing?" I say grinning widely
Yes, he repeats so bery beautiful.
I wish him well as I exit, and he says
"have a good night darling" (and it felt more friendly than flirty)

It so made my day. I just love those exchanges. Takes so little to just talk to someone. I just love people.

I have noticed that happen more. You know how it is people in the neighborhood, many you know by sight, but don't necessarily say all that much.
They are starting to say hi, ask how are you.
I take this a little of a sign they may realize my circumstances, and I accept it for what it is.
How sad to not be open to these things..cause they are so BERY BERY beauiful.

Yes

2006-03-06T12:20:00.000-05:00

Al is back! my heart sings...
(a Hey Judd day even)

He's not your garden variety guy

The Waitress

2006-03-05T18:38:00.000-05:00

Weird vibe in an otherwise mellow place.
Maybe some dissent between the staff, I dont know.

She came to the table a few times and flirted outrageously with him. It was not unpleasant, nor at all unwelcome but just so over the top, it begged the question;
Could she really be so mesmerized by this funny little fellow?
OR
Was she just like this with everyone, jollying around for a good tip, perhaps
He I'm sure wanted it to be the former.

We decided we needed to know.
and each in our own way thought we "oh so cooly" checked it out. We didn't
Her demeanor seemed very serious at another table, and she seemed to catch on, I was sure

She was more serious on her return,
but did smile at me.

middle ages is the zilliest people.

March Madness

2006-03-03T11:34:00.000-05:00

She is 19 today I can hardly believe it.
We had a nice talk this morning...it wasn't even the subject matter. (well a little)
I made her some breakfast, and we just hung out, nice and easy.
I love her madly.

My grandfather's birthday was March 4th. I was just made aware today that tomorrow would have been his 100th birthday. I didn't realize that.

Had she been born 2 hours later, they would have had the same birthday.

But
It's good she wasn't! She was born in emergency surgery.
And, I like that she has her own day.
I remember just as they were putting me under, reeling, I could hear the doctors joking around with eachother and talking about what to eat. and I thought "what the hell is this? am I in a MASH episode or what?" It was actually funny to me, even in that state. My last thought before officially becoming a mother.

To this day she can't say the word strategy...but says it like bugs bunny sounding more like "strayd-ja-dee"

Her dad dropped off a gift this morning... I noticed his card, that we are giving her cards separately, and my mind screamed (no! this is wrong, we are supposed to be doing this together. we are supposed to be a family!)
Again.. odd little things pointing out the big

My father's birthday is in March, and so was Bruce's.

Life just breaks your heart...... dunnit?

Outhouse quote of the month

2006-03-01T12:29:00.000-05:00

"Each calls himself your friend; you'd be a fool to believe it;
Nothing's more common than the name,
Nothing rarer than the thing."
- Jean De La Fontaine

I dig my Outhouses calendar

and even more...

2006-02-27T19:46:00.000-05:00

I am way too fascinated with all this speech stuff. I laugh at myself. HA HAAA.

I have been thinking of my grandfather today. He was born in Ireland, and came here as a young man He had what I thought were his own idiosyncrasies in his speech, but he was also sensitive and interested and amused with other people's.

He would say things like...veja TAY bles (vegetables)
He liked to read Edjer Allen Poe.
He told me I was a good gar-el
He liked to complain about Jedger Hoover
He would laugh at Evel Kiniver's latest stunt.

BUT

He would sometimes call us on things like saying "sore" for "saw" and never let me live down the way I once imitated a waiter when I was little "I'll have the shock- oh- lateh" (ice cream)

One time these Irish guys stopped in at my folks house. We had met them while vacationing in Cape Cod and they were passing through NY on their way back and looked us up in queens.
My grandfather happened to be over. They were from the same county as he...Cavan, except they made a point to say that the correct pronounciation was more like "Kee-ya-ven" Hanging out with those guys was like the closest he ever got to visiting Ireland again, and I remember one of the guys Owen commented to him that as the night went on his "kiaven" was coming out more and more.
(year's later when I was still with my husband we went out to a bar around Christmas time. These other Irish guys "fresh off the plane" walked in. They became enamored of me partly because of my heritage...but especially because of my ability to pronounce it correctly, authentically. I sang simon and garfunkel tunes with one of them. I was arte)
Anyhow, I remember Owen digging my Grandad and me telling him well, "he is a gentleman, and a gentle man."

He was a great palaverer, and loved a good laugh.
But he also enjoyed a good session of complaining.
(He loved music and baseball too, but Im talking about accents and dialects now)

I miss him at times.

Ewww...

2006-02-27T12:24:00.000-05:00

Sam Seder filling in for Al....
Oh the humanity!

At least I have Paul McCartney to look forward to later
(ch 13 @10) Great Perfomances......(phew)

More on A and D

2006-02-25T19:53:00.000-05:00

I called my mother last night and I decided to ask her about her thoughts on institutional accents and/or dialects.
She said oh yes, she noticed it as a kid when she first entered the orphanage. She said that she noticed all the kids spoke the same and it was different. As she was very resistant to the whole experience she was bothered by this as well. She said she tried very hard not to pick it up, or lose whatever she did pick up of it. But, realized it must still be there when she would hear some of it come out of our (her kids) mouths every once in awhile.

Then she tried to think of some examples of words. She said "malk" they would say malk instead of milk. "Oh yeah" I said "I remember that, we said that. I definitely said that when I was a kid. I remember being made fun of at school for saying it like that."

She went on to say how she would especially notice the accent when new kids entered the orphanage. She said she would notice a new kid come in....speaking in their own peculiar and individual way. But, by 2 weeks later would be speaking in the intitutional slang or dialect. She would always feel a little sad at the moment, when she noticed it turn.
It was an interesting and poignant conversation.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

And now... my son who is very sensitive, perceptive and a good mimic, says I have recently started speaking differently, pronouncing words differently. He is amused by this. He will laugh himself silly and say "you just did it again mom". So, I will ask what I did and he imitates it. He says "you didn't always do that, the funny thing is it's new". Seems it's in the way I accent syllables. I do it unconsciously, and for some reason suspect it is something I do around the house. Odd that it would change out of the blue, what the hell is up with that? My only thought is that maybe in some way I am trying to change the vibe in a household that is in flux.
Anyhow, he gets very amused at me, and I get very amused at his amusement.

Accents and Dialects

2006-02-24T17:25:00.000-05:00

Was chatting with les about something totally unrelated when the conversation turned to accents..specifically my queens accent.
I sometimes think it might sound a bit harsh...but for some reason I said I think it is a combo brooklyn/queens accent. (that's my theory anyway)
He mentioned how there is NY irish and NY jewish.
So I said how my (irish catholic) mom once told me I sounded like an old brooklyn jew. My mom grew up in a catholic orphanage in brooklyn and also has said that she thinks there is a such thing as an institutional accent or dialect. I seem to remember her saying she hated it and never thought she spoke it, but then would sometimes hear it come out of one of our mouths on occassion.
Having been exposed to the cop culture for many years...I have always maintained that there is a definite cop dialect and language...I like to refer to as cop- ese.

So, I found myself thinking on all this today. And I think the cop - ese is somewhat derivitive of the NY irish...I guess stereotypically the NY Irish cop. But I do think there is something to it.

Anyhow, it made me think how it would be an interesting thing to study...

Steppin

2006-02-24T16:51:00.000-05:00

I forgot to put the garbage cans out last night. Damn!
Funny, it's odd little things make you realize how the big things have drastically changed.

I bravely and courageously put one foot in front of the other:

I am my own best friend
I am my own baby
I am my own valentine

Whadda ya know.....a regular trinity

Thurs. musings

2006-02-24T10:22:00.000-05:00

Nothing like getting right back on the horse again.

Tomorrow exists in my mind.

There was a 3rd one, but it escapes me for now

Wizen

2006-02-22T19:11:00.000-05:00

Went to see the mediator,
then we went to lunch.
It was bittersweet

absorbing

2006-02-22T01:19:00.000-05:00

she's back (and it's post detroit depression time)
gotta get him a good school (and it's pressure time)
have to see the effing mediator tommorrow (and it's draining time)

tired of trying to rake leaves in the wind
time to make rummy with what I got
and be my, be mah own!

(yeah, I know... but it's a work in progress as am I)

Holding Court

2006-02-21T02:16:00.000-05:00

"The pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle..."

Great movie that. Sometimes I feel like I am the court jester,
or, and maybe more, that I am always
courting the jester....
as a way of life, as what I yam

Hmmm

2006-02-19T19:50:00.000-05:00

There's no fool like an old fool.....

test

2006-02-18T16:35:00.000-05:00

Hello